“The birth of our daughter meant the death of our sex life”, admits mother, after 4 years without sex | Stay in

“We were so tired since the beginning of parenthood that, sometimes, even a kiss seemed too much”, recalls British woman Clio Wood, shortly after the birth of her first daughter, now 6 years old. According to her, her relationship with her own body has completely changed. Due to the birth, she started to feel pain, and the lack of intimacy drove the couple even further apart. “I longed for intimacy, but it felt so strange. I wanted to have sex, but I knew it would probably be painful, so we just didn’t do it. My husband didn’t push, but in some ways, this realization made me feel even less desired “, he said.

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Check out the full statement below.

“If you hear friends, or even celebrities, saying they’re having a lot of postpartum sex, be suspicious. I found it excruciatingly painful the first time my husband Bryn and I tried it, about six weeks after the birth of our daughter Delphi, who is now 9. Sex is the only thing you can lie about and no one will find out. So keep this in mind the next time a friend is raving about being done just a few weeks after birth. They are probably exaggerating the truth.

Sexologist Karen Gurney recently explained that sexual dissatisfaction is worse for couples after having children. Her new book reveals intimacy problems and I’m glad she’s dispelling the myth that couples go back to bed within weeks of having a baby. Chances are that most won’t, and if that’s the case, it won’t be as pleasurable.

That first time, for me, the worst thing was initiating sex, because I wanted to have a sense of normality in this new role as a mother — to feel like the person I was before. It couldn’t be further from the truth. At this point, we had been together for six years and, before the birth, we had a happy and healthy sex life on a weekly or bi-weekly basis. The birth was difficult. It was vaginal and, after a long labor, medical interventions were carried out. First, an instrument that uses suction to attach a cup to the baby’s head, then forceps with an episiotomy, which left scars.

Still, I was very surprised by the pain during sex. They looked like shards of glass. I felt something must be wrong. So I asked my doctor, who didn’t think it was anything serious. It made me feel ashamed for bringing such a ‘trivial’ issue to him. During the first year after birth, we only had penetrative sex one or two more times because it was so painful. We were able to hug, but we were also so tired from early parenthood that sometimes even a kiss felt like too much.

Shaken relationship

Snuggled up on the couch watching a movie, Bryn tried to initiate something with a gentle kiss, but I immediately backed away, even though I could see he felt hurt. I felt a lot of shame thinking something was wrong with me, so the whole subject was difficult to discuss and we ended up with one of us being more upset when we tried to talk about it. We go a long time without sex, but we never talk about how we handle our sexual needs during that time.

Our sex life was great before, so it always felt like something was missing. Bryn was very understanding and reasonable, but it really left us confused and our relationship became strained. We couldn’t talk freely, we tried to have dinner together almost every night, as a way of being together, but I ended up reacting to the mildest comments. The conversation was interrupted, the noise of the cutlery on our plates seemed deafening in the silence.

Diagnosis and treatment

A year after birth, my physical therapist discovered that for me, a large part of the problem was that the muscles in my lower pelvis were too tight and not flexible enough, and there was hypersensitive vaginal scarring, which made sex extremely painful. . No one tells us to prepare for this, but I know this is happening to many, many women. Treatment includes exercises to release the muscles as well as massage the scar tissue.

I also had to deal with the toll that having a newborn took on me, both mentally and emotionally. I had a real fear that my husband would approach me sexually. We would start being romantic in bed, and instead of making progress, I would freeze and all sensual thoughts would disappear because I felt at odds with my body. This left me regularly crying in my room.

We were arguing all the time about the most mundane things, from our daughter’s schedule to what to buy at the store each week. It went from light fights to intense fights. Additionally, I had postpartum depression. We were pushed to the limit as a couple. I was feeling dread and anxiety about how bad our relationship had gotten and started planning what I would do if we got divorced. The feelings took over my mind—they were all-consuming.

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Five years after Delphi was born, our sex life wasn’t as bad as it had been, but we still had less sex than we had before kids, and it was obvious that we still weren’t connecting as a couple. We went through even more challenges with the pregnancy loss, my postpartum depression becoming more severe and Bryn also struggling with her mental health.

Even though things got a little better, we were still on the verge of divorce. It was Bryn who said, ‘I can’t do this anymore. Maybe I should move?’ We both sobbed as he left for his brother’s house, without saying when he would return. That night when Bryn came home, we sat together and decided to see a couples therapist. I credit her with saving our marriage.

Not having sex regularly, it felt like we were simply housemates, being polite and passing each other around the house but not really talking. I was so sad and sometimes I questioned whether we loved each other. I always needed to be told ‘I love you’ to feel safe, and Bryn had never been very good at saying that, but now it had been months since he had stopped saying it, and it was so painful.

I craved intimacy, but it felt so strange. I wanted to have sex, but I knew it would probably be painful, so we just didn’t do it. My husband didn’t push, but in some ways, this realization made me feel even less wanted. I once wrapped my arms around him as I passed the kitchen, only to be gently pushed away and left alone. We always made each other laugh, and it felt strange that we couldn’t share that comfortable friendship anymore. We never stopped finding ourselves attractive, but we didn’t look at ourselves in a sexual way, so we forgot to value ourselves. Compliments also tended to slip his mind.

So when we weren’t physically showing that we liked each other, there was no way for me to know that he still appreciated me. After six months of therapy, we felt like we were back in balance in our marriage and back to our usual routine of weekly or bi-weekly sex. But that was five and a half years after birth! It was only then that it felt right to try for another baby.

Many mothers don’t have good sex while their children are young. We all feel alone and need to hear that there are other people going through the same thing. I’m here to give scared women a much-needed glimmer of hope that after having a baby, your sex life isn’t over. You need patience, time, information and perhaps some outside help like counseling. But us moms need to be aware that there’s nothing to be ashamed of if you don’t feel sexy postpartum, and there are usually lots of things you can do to fix that.

The birth of our wonderful daughter meant the death of our sex life, and it was horrible. But with time and the right guidance, our marriage is better than ever. And we didn’t suffer the same fate after having our second daughter, Echo, now 2.”