Are you happier single or in a relationship? It may depend on your attachment style | The Conversation

Are all singles insecure? When we think about people who have been single for a long time, we can assume that it is because they have insecurities that make it difficult for them to find a partner or maintain a relationship.

But is this true? Or can people who have been single for a long time be confident and happy?

Our latest research, published in Journal of Personality, suggests yes. However, perhaps unsurprisingly, not everyone is happy when they are single. The study concludes that a person’s attachment style can be a crucial factor.

There are more and more single people

The number of singles is increasing around the world. In Canada, single status among young adults aged 25 to 29 has increased from 32% in 1981 to 61% in 2021. The number of people living alone has increased from 1.7 million in 1981 to 4 .4 million in 2021.

People are single for many reasons: some choose to remain single, others focus on other personal goals and aspirations, others report that the world of dating has become more difficult and others are single again due to the end of a relationship.

They may also remain single due to their attachment style. Attachment theory is a popular and well-studied model for how we form relationships with other people. A search on Amazon for “attachment theory” turns up thousands of titles. A hashtag attachmenttheory has been viewed more than 140 million times on TikTok alone.

What does attachment theory say about relationships?

Attachment theory suggests that our relationships with others are shaped by our degree of anxiety and avoidance.

Anxious attachment comes from a type of insecurity that leads people to feel anxious about relationships and worry about abandonment. Avoidant attachment makes people feel uncomfortable with intimacy and closeness.

People who have less anxiety and avoidance are considered to have a secure attachment style and are comfortable depending on others and giving and receiving intimacy.

Single people are often stereotyped as being too attached or uncommitted. Studies comparing single people with married people also suggest that single people have higher levels of relationship insecurity than people in relationships.

At the same time, data suggests that many single people are choosing to stay single and live happy lives.

Singles are a diverse group of secure and insecure people

In our most recent research, the team of social and clinical psychologists looked at the attachment styles of single people and their relationship to happiness and well-being.

We conducted two studies, one with 482 young single people and the other with 400 long-term single elderly people. We concluded that, overall, 78% were classified as unsafe, with the remaining 22% safe.

Analyzing the results more closely, we found four distinct subgroups of singles:

• Secure singles feel relatively comfortable with intimacy and closeness in relationships (22%);
• Anxious singles question whether they are loved by others and worry about being rejected (37%);
• Avoidant singles do not feel comfortable getting close to others and prioritize their independence (23% of younger singles and 11% of older long-term singles);
• Fearful singles have increased anxiety about abandonment, but are simultaneously uncomfortable with intimacy and closeness (16% of younger singles and 28% of older long-term singles).

Being single can be a challenge for the anxious

Our results also revealed that these distinct subgroups of singles have distinct experiences and outcomes.

Secure singles are happy being single, have a greater number of non-romantic relationships and better relationships with family and friends. They satisfy their sexual needs outside of romantic relationships and feel happier with their life in general. Interestingly, this group maintains a moderate interest in having a romantic relationship in the future.

Anxious singles tend to be the most worried about being single, have lower self-esteem, feel less supported by those close to them, and have some of the lowest levels of life satisfaction of all subgroups.

Avoidant singles are those who show less interest in having a romantic relationship and, in many ways, seem satisfied with their singleness. However, they also have fewer friends and intimate relationships and are generally less satisfied with these relationships than secure singles. Avoidant singles also report having less meaning in life and tend to be less happy compared to secure singles.

Fearful singles reported more difficulties navigating intimate relationships than secure singles. For example, they were less able to regulate their emotions and were less satisfied with the quality of their intimate relationships than secure singles. They also recorded some of the lowest levels of life satisfaction across all subgroups.

It’s not all doom and gloom

These results should be read taking into account several relevant points. First, although the majority of singles in our samples were insecure (78%), there were a considerable number of singles who were secure and happy (22%).

Furthermore, simply being in a romantic relationship is not a panacea. An unhappy relationship is associated with worse life consequences than being single.

It’s also important to remember that linking guidelines are not necessarily fixed. They are open to changes in response to life events.

Likewise, the sensitive and responsive behaviors of close people and feeling loved and cherished by those people can alleviate underlying attachment concerns and promote attachment security over time.

Our studies are some of the first to examine the diversity of attachment styles among single adults. Our findings highlight that many single people are secure and happy, but also that more work can be done to help insecure single people feel more secure, to promote happiness.

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Christopher Pepping is Associate Professor of Clinical Psychology, Griffith University
Geoff Macdonald is Professor of Psychology, University of Toronto
Tim Cronin is Professor of Clinical Psychology at La Trobe University
Yuthika Girme is an associate professor in the Department of Psychology at Simon Fraser University